UK Election – 17 (mainly) satirical posts AND BEYOND

EU Referendum Result….COMMENT
Posted on June 24, 2016

Hello.

Six months ago I thought it was obvious. The UK was certain to remain in the EU and I was certain to vote to stay in.

As the weeks passed I became very concerned. The Remain campaign seemed based on ‘project fear’, run by the Establishment and a chattering class media. Never threaten the British, be you the Chancellor of the Exchequer or even the U.S. President. This nation’s people do not respond well to threat! The Remain campaign failed to give the people a vision of a future that would see them better off in the EU. Yes, fine if you were highly educated or affluent, but for the ordinary guy in the street, years of austerity and perception on immigration had taken their toll.

Nevertheless, I assumed we’d stay in. Until…. I decided, on a daily basis, to ask people I came across how they were going to vote…. taxi drivers, customers in a Tesco queue, staff in hotels, etcetera, and, here in the North East…. yes, the overwhelming majority were Brexit supporters.

In the end I voted to remain in the EU, a failed enterprise in my view, with the Eurozone a mistake of huge proportions. I believed that the UK was an important part of the EU that could affect it positively. I was disappointed that the EU did not take seriously David Cameron’s attempts at reform, reform that must come if the EU is to bring prosperity to all members rather than an elite few.

But now, the game is over and, for me, sadly we have lost an excellent Prime Minister whose legacy will be Brexit rather than his successful turning of a broken economy between 2010 and 2015.

Today, and for a while, there will be turmoil, whipped up by the media. The media has been exceptionally poor I feel, full of hyperbole and self obsessed smuggness at its own upper middle class eliteness. They don’t get it!

The UK now needs new and strong leadership.

Thanks for reading.

Truth about the EU and Brexit (‘open letter’)
Posted on May 26, 2016

Would Brexit cause a downturn in markets and the UK economy in general?

Undoubtedly, yes, in the short term since, in particular, the City reacts negatively to perceived instability. Short term would mean a few months. Clearly, UK Government would be key in ameliorating this situation, alongside the Bank Of England. NEGATIVE

Would Brexit cause long term damage to the UK economy?

The answer is unknown. The UK economy is subject to the vagaries of global markets, upturns, downturns, recessions, boom and bust, dependent upon internal and external management of economies. NO ECONOMIC MODELS are capable of accurately forecasting longterm economic events. For instance, the 2008 crash in markets was born of mismanagement of the UK economy through overborrowing, but, primarily, began in the US. with an overheating housing market and extreme subprime mortgages. The EU itself had little cause or effect, with the UK having its own currency. NEITHER

Would Brexit cause the average family to be worse off?

Possibly, short term but, as ever, interest rates, fiscal policy and investment, would be used by a responsible government to improve the situation. Long term, a UK free to trade effectively, globally, with the new big players such as India and China, produces just as many opportunities as risks. It very much depends on the abilities of those in power internally. NEITHER

Would Brexit allow immigration to be better managed?

Undoubtedly yes. The UK would be free to restrict immigration or to cherry pick via an Australia-like points system. However, it must be recognised how important skilled, and unskilled, people are to the NHS, Higher Education, construction and agriculture. The UK education system currently fails to produce enough highly skilled technical workers, and the population as a whole seems to shy away from trade skills and lower level work, so key to a thriving economy. Workers from Eastern Europe are vital to the agricultural workforce, whilst the Indian subcontinent contributes so much to the NHS. Yes, the UK needs substantial migration to continue, within or without the EU. POSITIVE

Would Brexit give the UK autonomy and enhance sovereignty?

Brexit would indeed enhance sovereignty, with the UK governed by an elected independent government, able to be changed every five years, thrown out for incompetence, or re-elected if successful. However, that does not mean that the UK would have autonomy. Inside or outside the EU, the UK is subject to a multitude of international agreements and strictures, both economic, political and military via NATO, for instance. Overall, though, the faceless unelected bureaucrat problem would disappear, with ‘only ourselves to blame’ if an elected UK Government makes a mess of things. POSITIVE

Would Brexit make the UK less secure?

Essentially, a complete red herring. International security is determined by our own security agencies, primarily through NATO and a strong military and intelligence relationship with the United States. The UK is exceptional in this regard, with EU states relatively weak. The EU was originally set up after WW2 to prevent internal conflict, emasculating Germany militarially, but encouraging strong economic links to create wealth and European stability. POSITIVE

Would Brexit destabilise the EU and lead to great instability in the long term?

This is perhaps a far greater risk than recognised. The Eurozone and a United States of Europe are failed concepts, primarily because the EU has over-expanded to include such diverse economies of different scales and wealth, leading to the poor feeling disenfrachised and to the wealthy protecting what it has. Free movement across borders, as well as producing a cheap workforce for a wealthy nation such as Germany, also creates multicultural stresses and resentment. If such a huge economy as that of the UK chooses to go it alone, there may well be a domino effect, where some Northern European countries, such as Sweden and Denmark, see no benefit in the EU, particularly if, over the next five years, a Brexit UK is successful. NEGATIVE

Would Brexit undermine the power of London as a financial centre and create longterm problems for the UK?

This is probably the greatest risk to the UK longterm. Yes, the UK economy is probably the fifth or sixth biggest in the world, but it is relatively weak as a manufacurer and exporter, and relies heavily on innovation, high level skills, the services sector, and, most of all, the financial power of the City of London. Within the EU, this remains relatively secure, with Paris and Frankfurt also rans, and London the big player alongside Hong Kong and New York. Exit from the EU may well encourage Germany and France to seek a bigger slice of this financial centre cake. NEGATIVE

Would EU countries behave well towards the UK after Brexit?

Mostly, yes, with exceptions. Trade agreements would be renegotiated by compromise to the benefit of most, with the USA a benign influence. Germany would behave pragmatically, to the benefit of both itself and the UK. The one problem is France. The EU is very much its baby and gravy train. It is conservative in nature, protectionist, witnessed by the Common Agricultural Policy, and would seek clear advantage over the UK. Twas ever thus. NEITHER

Would Brexit lead to dire consequences for the UK, such as pestilence, famine, invasion by aliens from outer space?

Politicians seem recently to have lost all sense of reason and scale. It can be argued that England has been a successful nation for a thousand years, its democracy fostered by Magna Carta in 1215, and has been a member of EU for a mere 40 years or so. Surely, such a nation has gained self confidence, and its people are perfectly able to come to a reasoned sensible decision when casting its vote on June 23rd.

Thanks for reading
Personal views
Paul Ainsley

Boris The Johnson?
Posted on February 21, 2016

The average member of the Conservative Party is a white middle class male around 60 years of age who is extremely Eurosceptic and will definitely vote to leave the EU in the forthcoming Referendum. He likes David Cameron only to the extent that he has brought the Tory Party electoral success and power.

So, suppose that David Cameron wins the Referendum vote and the UK remains in the EU. The membership will bite its lip, bide its time, but be very angry indeed. Cameron will continue as PM until around late 2018 and then retire from politics to enjoy a well earned rest, leaving a very positive legacy and being regarded as a highly able leader who saved the UK economy in a time of dire need. And then? With no impending General Election, the membership will turn on his EU-supporting colleagues and they, and they alone, will elect the new leader of the Conservative Party and Prime Minister of the UK. Yes, a Euro-sceptic, a high profile Tory who voted to leave the EU in 2016.

Or, suppose David Cameron loses the Referendum and the UK has to negotiate its departure from the EU. Such a defeat would clearly lead to Cameron’s resignation, and, as above, would undoubtedly be followed by a new leader and PM who had voted to leave.

What is required, of course, is that politicians show complete integrity over the next few months, to argue for what they truly believe is best for the people of the UK, and to enter proper debate, with cogent argument.

Beware the politician whose true ultimate goal is clear, to be Prime Minister.

European Union Referendum(1)
Posted on February 9, 2016

Hello.

I regard myself as English, from Yorkshire, British and, vaguely European, but not really. Yes, a member of the EU, a bureaucratic club, controlled by an ever-growing civil service that crucially, to all intents and purposes, is not elected by the British people. So, you say, I must be against remaining in the EU. Well, I regard this as extremely problematic. It would seem to me obvious that European countries should band together for mutual benefit in terms of economic wellbeing, security, social mobility and democratic freedoms. But, and it is a big but, I am English. For me, even though I am merely one individual, it is crucial that I believe that my vote counts, that I have a say, that I can get rid of my government, and that the people that I elect make laws that I buy into, that I believe in, just as I believe in Magna Carta.

In a way the European Referendum is, for the English, just like the Scottish Referendum was for the Scottish. Simplistic short term arguments can be made about whether or not we would be better off in or out, whether or not immigration levels would decrease if we left the EU, whether or not we’d be more or less influential globally, etcetera, etcetera. No-one actually knows, but all people and politicians have a view, based on knowledge, ignorance, prejudice and optimism or pessimism. I believe that, in the end, the Scots fell into two camps. Fear of the unknown, and insecurity, made many older voters vote to remain in the UK, whereas the idealism and Scottishness of youth held sway with younger voters. Ironically, with the EU Referendum, idealism is probably on the side of remaining in the EU, whereas Englishness sides with independence.

So, what of David Cameron’s machinations? Irrelevant surely! Tinkering at the edges! Surely no-one in their right minds would decide on such an important existential issue based on the trivial. Oh yes, some of the issues, immigration, of course, appear important today, but long term? For me, the main issue is democratic accountability and my belief in the UK as a self-governing nation state, responsible for and to its people, capable of making its own laws and setting its own standards of conduct and morality.

So, how will I personally vote in a few months time?

Genuinely, I do not know.

Thank you for reading.

Round at Yvette’s- it’s a cruel world!
Posted on May 19, 2015

‘It’s been a good chat, Andy, good of you to come round. I think we have it sorted now. You’ll go for traditional support and the unions, and I’ll go for the centrist pro-business anti-Ed members. That way we squeeze out the others, including that far too clever Liz woman. You’ll have to try to restrain the McCluskey rottweiler though or people will actually start to believe we’re socialists!’

‘Oh, Len’s fine really. He just likes being on the telly. Heart’s in the right place. Anyway, how’s Ed B taking it all? What’s he up to?’

‘Well, actually,’ continued Yvette in hushed tones, ‘Ed’s doing the washing and ironing in the utility room. It’s Tuesday. I’ve got his week planned out, poor thing. I decided to organise his week for him. He couldn’t run a temperature, never could. And he’s hopeless with money, always has been, so he’s got an allowance for the shopping. Mustn’t over spend.’

‘Well, I must go Yvette. We’ll chat again.’

The two comrades in arms shook hands. Just then the door bell rang. Ed B rushed past them to answer the door.

‘It’ll be for me,’ he said, ‘I’m expecting a delivery.’

Ed B opened the door and found himself staring into the face of Ed M.

‘What are you doing here, Ed?’ he asked.

Ed M handed Ed B the package, a boxed set of House Of Cards, turned and silently walked away.

Yvette turned to Andy and offered: ‘It’s a cruel world.’

‘Yes it is,’ replied Andy. ‘But a world full of opportunity.’

Andy walked away down the street whistling, thinking of the exciting times ahead. Meanwhile, Ed M was posting a cd through the letterbox at Number 10.

No, not that Number 10!

1. The Opposition Debate (two blokes in a pub)

Did you see the debate on the telly last night, Bernie?

Yes, Mike. Usually I think that Ed can look a bit scary but, the others! Lady Macbeth in particular. Did you see the look of hatred on her face when she said ‘tories’? One of those dementors out of Harry Potter she is.

Well, she just wants to stir it. Wants independence as soon as possible, no matter how. I always think she hates us, the English that is.

Agreed, and I’m half Welsh and you’re half Yorkshire.

Yes, I am. But Yorkshire is England really but not Lancashire. And Yorkshire has as big a population and economy as Scotland. This SNP stuff bothers me. Regarding the UK it is a poison within.

Wow, good line Mike.

Not mine Bernie, read it in the Daily Mail or the Mirror.

Your choice of newspapers has always puzzled me, Mike.

I like to be fair, Bernie, I like to be fair.

And a bit confused, I reckon.

2. Interview with Nigel

Interviewer: Is it true that you have a German wife, Huguenot ancestry, enjoy holidaying in France and are very keen on French cuisine and wine?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that you rubbished the 2010 UKIP manifesto but have fully costed your policies for the 2015 manifesto?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that you would pay for some of your proposals by savings you expect, but cannot prove, by leaving the EU?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that you have nothing against Europe, per se, and would support a common market arrangement based on free trade between nations?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that you have nothing against normal historical rates of immigration but that you wish to limit numbers to what the UK needs regarding incoming skills?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that you wish to simplify UK income tax radically so as to help the lower paid but setting rates that will generate enough income for government overall?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that your beliefs are probably the same as those of ninety percent of Conservative supporters?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Is it true that if you were in the Conservative party you would be regarded as a normal mainstream politician to the right of centre who in due course could end up as leader or even P.M?

Nigel: Yes.

Interviewer: Thank you for your frank detailed answers to my questions. Controversial as ever!

3. Liberal Democrat Average Strategy

Danny: My time in the Treasury, as part of the coalition, has not been wasted, Nick. I’ve come up with a new concept that we can use throughout our manifesto. It’s based on mathematics, what mathematicians call a mean or an average, and it uses a formula, complicated I admit.

Nick: Run it by me, Danny, but slowly, you know that maffs isn’t my strong point.

Danny: Well, given A and B the average is A plus B divided by 2.

Nick blinked. Danny tried again.

Danny: Supposing one deficit is 50 billion and another is 100 billion then the average deficit is 50 plus 100, don’t forget the brackets, divided by 2, equals 75 billion.

Nick: Wow, good stuff Danny. But what’s this got to do with anything?

Danny: Well, we look at what the Labour lot intend spending or borrowing, and what the Conservatives are spending or borrowing, and then we go for the average halfway between. It works for everything, deficit reduction, timescales, you name it. That way we look like fiscally prudent moderates who could work with either party in a coalition, no matter who wins in May.

Nick: Danny, you’re a genius. Manifesto sorted! Now, just run that A and B stuff past me again.

4. David’s Dream

David was back at Eton. It was a sunny summer’s day and he was pummelling a shaggy blond haired fellow pupil who was cowering against a wall.

‘Please don’t hurt me David. I don’t want to be Prime Minister. Honest!’

This dream was going rather well.

But then, he turned to face a googly eyed black haired handsome younger man who was staring at him, wild eyed, with a Wallace look.

‘But I do , David, I do, and the hard working ordinary people of this great country of ours, they want me, soon, David, soon.’

David woke with a start, shook off his dream and fell asleep once more.

He walked through a black door, a black door with the number ten emblazoned on it, and was confronted by a middle aged woman, a vision in blue with huge hair. She spoke softly at first, but gradually increased volume and harshness of tone.

‘David, my boy, you’re panicking. Stop it this instant. You are my legacy. Have you not learned? Give the people what they want, what Britishers work so hard for, give them their castle in the sky, give them their houses you idiot! Give them the right to buy like I did!’

And so, on David’s re-awakening, a new policy was born.

5. George and Ed B have a chat

Ed: We promise to borrow and spend only what we can afford, and will set out where all the money comes from, so that we can get rid of the deficit by 2020. Sneakily, we might borrow for capital spending, like big long term projects that we haven’t worked out yet, which will add to overall debt, but that’s different from the deficit on annual spending of course.

George: We promise to get rid of the deficit earlier, maybe by 2017, and will protect the NHS more than you. We’ll guarantee that extra 8 billion that the chappie in charge says he needs, you know, the one we all trust, Simon somebody I think. And we’ll reduce Inheritance Tax for lots of people. And protect schools. And be a bit vague about where all this money is coming from.

Ed: Hang on a minute, that’s not fiscally prudent, you could get all the sums wrong. You are Conservative, George, not Labour.

George: You should talk! Your strategy could result in cutting excessively, even universities or the NHS. No 8 billion guarantee methinks.

Ed: This is all wrong. You sound like me and I sound like you. How have we got into this mess?

George: You’re right Ed, and it’s all the fault of the electorate. They don’t trust you to balance the books and they don’t trust me to look after the NHS and public services. So, you have to be me and I have to be you! What can we do about it?

Ed: How’s about a grand coalition after the election, a Labour-Conservative pact? Toss you for who’s Chancellor!

6. Big Houses (two blokes in a pub)

You see, Bernie, the Conservatives will let people pass on a house worth a million quid to their kids when they die, without the usual 40% Inheritance Tax.

Yes Mike, true, but Labour will tax rich people’s mansions worth 2 million.

And we don’t like rich people, do we, so it’s Labour for us then.

Mmm, the problem is, Mike, that you and me live in London and our semis are worth a million, and we’re getting on a bit. Got to think of the kids’ inheritance.

A tough one then. So it boils down to, do we hate rich people more than we love the kids?

Well, my lad Eric has really been getting on my nerves lately.

And we really like the Queen and she’s mega rich.

God bless her. Does she pay tax? Would she pay mansion tax on the Palace?

This political stuff is very stressful. So complicated! How’s about we don’t vote and get back to talking about the Arsenal?

Agreed! Mine’s a pint!

7. NHS Hyperbolic Policies

Liberal Democrat
We will spend lots on the NHS to secure the health of the nation by raising taxes a bit and cutting spending on other things a bit, because we are very sensible and nice people who would be reliable in a coalition again with anybody really.

Labour
We will spend more on the NHS by somehow taxing mansions and rich people and bankers (who we pretend caused all our overborrowing between 1997 and 2010) and not worrying too much about the deficit, because the electorate don’t understand the difference between deficit and debt, thank goodness.

Conservative
We will guarantee to spend even more on the NHS, because the electorate don’t trust us to protect the public sector, and will pay for it by cutting the public sector but not the NHS and, anyway, you know we can balance the books.

UKIP
We don’t need to spend more money on the NHS because we will only treat native Brits who are quite healthy anyway.

SNP
We will look after Scotland.

Green
We will spend what it takes by borrowing what it takes because long term borrowing is currently so cheap that , well, let’s borrow and spend and not worry!

Plaid Cymru
We will look after the NHS in Wales a damn sight better than the Labour Party has done, provided that Westminster gives us a fair share of the monies for once, but will spend it in Welsh.

8. Crazy Big Society

So Colin, you’d like the Company to buy into the Conservatives idea of 3 days paid leave to take part in voluntary service, straìghtaway?

Yes, sir.

Well, we do believe in the Big Society. We’d like to help but it will cost us money, obviously, and someone will have to fill in for you. Tell me about the voluntary work you’d do, and on which 3 days.

I’d be bringing joy to disadvantaged children, sir.

Laudable, Colin. When exactly?

Probably 22nd, 23rd and 24th of December, sir?

Mmm, would this require any extra support that we could help you with?

Well, sir, perhaps a red suit, hat, padding and false beard.

Where would you be doing this voluntary work?

Not sure yet but probably at my brother’s house, my sister’s house and my house.

Let me give this some thought, Colin. After all, Labour may win.

9. Ed and Nicola discuss Trident

Yes, I think we can work together

So you’ re OK with Trident?

Certainly not

How’s about 3 subs instead of 4?

No

2 subs?

No

1 nuclear submarine, on its own, not in Scotland, in England, on the south coast, or perhaps in the Channel Islands or Gibraltar maybe?

No

OK, I think we can work together. After all, the Ukraine gave up its nuclear weapons and it’s kept its independence and autonomy. No worries!

10. Two Eds are better than one, again

Bit left field today Ed, that non-doms policy, after I’d said that it could cost the country more money than it makes.

Yes, Ed. Should have mentioned it. But I’m trying for a new policy every day. One that ordinary working people like and posh people don’t, excepting us of course. Tomorrow’s is about dogs. All ordinary working people like dogs. We’ll give tax credits to dog owners. The more dogs you own the lower your income tax.

But posh people like and own dogs. And the foxhunting set have huge numbers of dogs, called foxhounds.

Foxhounds and posh dogs, and especially Scotties, will be excluded from tax rebate, and Corgis of course. I’m focussing on mongrels, the sort of dogs that poor people can afford.

But don’t you have a dog, Ed?

Yes, Ed, he’s called Nigel and he’s a little Shih Tzu

How apt Ed, how apt. Let’s run with it. You never know, it could be popular. Most of the electorate are barking anyway.

11. Nicola visits Alex in bonny Scotland

Nicola knocked on the door. It opened and Alex welcomed her into his beautiful but modest home, his Scottie dog circling and barking around her legs.

‘Sorry about Spot, but I assure you he’s harmless’, said Alex. Nicola pointed sternly at the dog.

‘Out damned Spot’, she cried. The dog duly left the scene, deciding that a walk around the garden would be prudent. Nicola laughed girlishly at her own Scottish play on words.

They moved through to a magnificent study and sat facing each other, each with a small glass of malt, Scott, Burns and Carlyle staring at them from the bookshelf, a photograph of local solicitors. For the next hour they discussed policy and how Alex would handle Westminster and Ed, should Ed be Prime Minister in a few weeks. Alex concluded.

‘It will be difficult, but possible. The idea is to bend the tree to our will, but never to breaking point, until we are ready. If we manage to prolong such an arrangement, the English themselves will be demanding independence for Scotland!’

‘But what if the boy David returns to Number Ten?’, she queried.

‘Ah yes, the dream result. The UK governed again by Conservatives and Lib Dems, neither with any credible support north of the border. Our countrymen will be clammering for another referendum within a year or two.’

‘ A win win situation then?’

‘Indeed Nicola’, said Alex, glancing out of the window.
‘Spot of bother I’m afraid.’
Nicola looked concerned.
‘He’s digging up some flowers of Scotland!’

Nicola smiled.

12. State of the Union (two blokes in a pub)

What do you think about English Income Tax, and Scottish, and Welsh and Northern Irish I suppose?

Sounds iffy to me , Mike. Can’t understand why Cameron would even say it really. Might as well join the SNP. All this stuff will break up the Union, eventually.

Agreed, Bernie. Doesn’t anyone want to protect the UK as an entity? Seems that only the Northern Irish, well, at least some of them, want us all to work and stay together. Meanwhile, how come the SNP wants independence from the English but wants to be a tiny wee nonentity in a 27 country club called the EU?

Oh, that’s because they hate the English but need someone to sponge off when they’ve got rid of us. They want subsidies. They want the Barnett formula. Or a Merkel formula maybe! You can’t run an economy on golf, whisky and tourism, Mike.

Yeh, but they’ve got oil.

Until it runs out!

And then what becomes of Scotland, eh?

Greece is the word, Mike.

Nice one, Bernie!

13. Russell Brand (two blokes in a pub)

Hey, Mike, have you heard the latest political news?

What’s that then Bernie?

Ed Miliband has been round to Russell Brand’s house for an interview?

Never! He’s a comedian isn’t he?

Too bloody right he is, but what does Russell Brand do?

Tee hee Bernie. Anyway, I quite like Russell. Can’t stand him as a comedian but he can act. Great in the Tempest as Trinculo. He should cut out the rubbish. And go a bit more mainstream with the politics.

Just like Ed, eh? So, which is the actor, which is the comedian, and which is the politician? Is your answer ‘both’?

Tough one my good friend. I’ll get back to you on that, methinks, after perusal. First, a pint of ale from the barman yonder!

14. Satire? I give up!

OK, I give up! Attempts at satire have proved fruitless. We now have Ed Miliband seeking wisdom from a left wing comedian, presumably in a desperate attempt to garner the yoof vote.
More worryingly though is David Cameron’s latest ploy to remove the Tory nasty tag, a law against raising income tax, VAT and NI over the next five years. Surely this is madness. A government needs fiscal flexibility. Economic forecasts, be it from the OBR, IMF or IFS, are ball park figures based on fragile mathematical models, any of which can be tweaked to produce different outcomes. Such modelling, particularly in a volatile global environment, cannot foresee, with any degree of certainty, UK economic performance over a five year parliament. It is time to end this pretence. We have had fiscal prudence over the past five years. We need more of the same.

Thanks for reading.

15. Mike and Bernie: Karaoke Night

Do you think we should go ahead with this, Bernie?

Yeh Mike, why not? Karaoke night before the election. It’s funny, just a laugh.

Well I’m game if you are.

OK, let’s sing in tune for once, to the tune of Bye Bye Blackbird, here we go. A one, two, three….

Rack up all your debts and go
Spend the dough
Whingeing so
Bye bye Scotland

When no-one will work with ye
Try a little
Modesty
Try try Scotland

No-one here down south can understand you
No more Barnett formula they’ll hand you

Burn the oil
Light the lights
They’ll be going out some night
Scotland bye bye

It’s gone very quiet Mike.

Yes Bernie. I think we’d better leave. Maybe not such a good idea for the Tam O’Shanter pub Karaoke night.

16. Politician Logic

You like the celebrity
You listen to the celebrity
I talk to the celebrity
I flatter the celebrity by my very presence
The celebrity gains yet more celebrity
The celebrity is intoxicated by perceived influence
The celebrity likes me
The celebrity listens to me
You like me
You listen to me
You VOTE for me
I am a politician
Who are YOU?

17. Who was that man? (Posted after the election was all over and Labour had lost heavily)

He refused to admit over-borrowing and over-spending leading to excessive debt that exacerbated the 2008 financial crisis for the UK, as if believing that voters suffer from collective memory loss.
He visited a stand-up comedian and neo-anarchist for discussion and advice and, presumably to see yet another kitchen decor.
He had an eight foot tablet of stone erected to advertise wishy-washy policy items, known as the ten amendments.
Day after day he used the same inane phrases, such as ordinary working people, hard working people, hard working ordinary people, over and over and over again, inducing sleep response more effective than a full bottle of Glenlivet.
His speeches always contained miniscule anecdotes about what somebody he met somewhere (usually a poor old unfortunate, gov’nor) had said about something, usually to do with the NHS or nasty rich people who don’t care, that made it clear that nobody cares if they have money.
He adopted the stare at the camera and point one finger skyward approach to suggest gravitas, as opposed to a medical affliction needing treatment.

So why didn’t we all vote for him?

Baffling, isn’t it?

So, time to choose a new leader. But not just new – different!

And finally, if you had to choose a new leader from these previous leaders, who would it be?

Harold Wilson
James Callaghan
Michael Foot
Neil Kinnock
Tony Blair
Margaret Thatcher

Clearly I jest.
Surely Tony Blair shouldn’t be on the list?

Thanks for reading!

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